Thankful for my struggles....

As we approach Thanksgiving I'm sitting and trying to explain the true meaning of Thanksgiving to my daughter and I couldn't help but think, I reflect on thankfulness and the past few months. It's been a hard year coming out of a recent recession & dealing with multiple family problems… I keep coming back to the most basic question- For what things are we thankful?

Conventional wisdom would indicate that we are usually thankful when life is good- or- when things go our way- or when things work out in our favor. And while we may not be great at giving thanks to God on a regular basis during the good times, we each know that the regular rhythm of our life ought to be in thanksgiving to God.

However, and maybe to your surprise, the Scriptures go even further than simply giving thanks during the good times. They point us to a place where we give thanks in our pain, our heartache, our weakness, and in our loss.

This year I am thankful for my struggle, I am thankful for all the hard times I've endured and lived to tell about it. I'm Thankful for the strength & wisdom I've gained while making a way out of no way. I've been humbled this year to say the least and I'm thankful for the reality check I have received. Im Thankful for everything I've lost because it made me realize how much I can live without. I'm thankful for all the idiots I've met along the way because I can truly appreciate the sincere people in my life.

I'm can feel myself growing up as things that were once so important have so little meaning. People's thoughts and opinions affect me less. I'm learning to live for moments that take my breathe away and people that share those moments with me.

"I asked God to protect me from my enemies & I started losing friends"

I am thankful that in my times of need that the people in my life revealed the depth of their loyalty or lack there of!

I'm thankful for all the new people I've come in contact with that have reminded me how much worse things could be or simply shared just their struggle and trusted me with no ego. When people share their struggles in life as part of their journey towards healing, I am always impressed. Some share out of a deep place of healing, others share as part of a process of moving towards healing and still others share as a cathartic release of emotions and thoughts. When people share their stories out of a place of genuine humanity, it is holy. It is also a privilege to be let into their lives in some small way.

This week I have been inspired by a few folks who have reminded me of the courage to publicly share struggles, not only for their own healing, but for the healing of others. Their words are powerful.

Appreciating the person I am and the gifts that I have, something occurred to me. I don’t give full credit where credit is due. Yes, I give thanks for the pleasurable, comforting and rewarding experiences of my life. But I forget that I owe much of my thanks to something totally different—life’s struggles.

My inner strength was not developed through picking flowers and partying every day. Instead, I am the strong, resilient woman that I am because I’ve chosen to get back up repeatedly after being knocked down.

Each time I suffered a little, I gained a little more strength. When I suffered greatly, I gained even greater resistance to weakness and realized that I set my own limitations.

Integrity didn’t become one of my strongest character traits because I’ve only been exposed to honest, fair and noble people. I learned the importance of this characteristic by being hurt by those who lacked it.

I am the person who I am today, not because I had a perfect childhood or the most supportive friends, but because that wasn’t always so. I am the person who I am today, not because I’ve always trusted the right people and made the right decisions, but because I sometimes screwed up.

I am not resourceful because everything and everyone have always been there for me. Instead, I learned resourcefulness because of what was NOT there. Thanks to life’s struggles, thanks to the experience of lack, I learned to create or workaround what isn’t laid at my feet.

No matter who you are, there is something wonderful about you. You have something that is of great value to family, friends, strangers, and the Universe as a whole. So, here is the challenge: As you appreciate everything you have to be thankful for, don’t forget about your struggles. Life’s struggles need not be something that you loathe, regret and avoid. They have value. And that value trickles down to create the whole of you and me.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -Albert Einstein

He's just not that into you .....

We all remember the movie comical clever but a harsh reality for some women! "He's Not that into you" You know the now famous line that originated from HBO’s “Sex in the City” and how after hearing it the whole dating world came to make sense to Miranda. Well, she wasn’t the only one it made sense to. It really resonated with me and brought my whole dating life into perspective. "He's just not that into you"
If your guy always/constantly puts his friends and his plans in front of you then he's just not that into you.
We all have had the crush that went on for months and sometimes even years without going anywhere no matter what we did or didn’t do. For a period of time we would comfort ourselves by saying that he just didn’t know we were serious, he's waiting for me to prove i can be the woman he wants etc etc We constantly make excuses for their behavior and give them the benefit of the doubt in hopes that possibly they are just too busy! The minute you stop making excuses for people you will begin to see them for exactly who they are! Now then there's the guy who's alway out with friends but makes no time for you yea that bro's before hoes shit was probably a valid argument from grammar school up to about 10th grade depending on the guy but after that, if he knows you and still behaves like that hea either extremely childish or he’s not interested. If he wanted you for anything he’d ask for it. However, that’s just too hard and/or sad to face because we are awesome so how could he not be into us and furthermore, if we’re not busy liking him what are we going to do with our attentions? Been there, done that. Let’s just focus on ourselves and making them achingly dwell on the fact that they missed out on their chance with us.
How about the guy that we actually are dating but acts like we are the last priority when they are not with us because he’s busy with work, friends, family or other commitments? Don’t fool yourself into thinking that there’s a future with this guy. Chances are very good that he’s never going to appreciate you for more than he does now, someone that’s willing to wait around until he has time for you. You deserve more than that. If he was really into you, you’d never question why he isn’t spending time with you because he’d be spending as much time as you wanted.
How about the guy that would prefer to be with another girl over you? The only thing that she has that you don’t is him. And frankly, it’s better that way. You should never be second choice, part time chic or treated like an option! Treat me like an option and ill treat you like an object #Replaceable. You always want to be his first choice. Then you’ll know he’s really into you.

Guys use a different language with girls that they want to keep around in case they change their mind or are loosely dating. It's called boyspeak. If he's giving you some semblance of the truth or an outright lie then he's giving you boyspeak and that is biggest of indicators that he is just not that into you. If a guy never bothers to ask if you're seeing someone or if you have a man is probably only interested in one thing and could care less If you have a man, he's secretly hoping you do so he can make a swift escape after pulling up his jeans. If the only effort he makes to see you is for one thing and he never asks to take you out or around his friends or family he's just not that into you!

But then sometimes they are into you & may genuinely just have a busy life well fellas let me say this if you are interested you better make an effort & make it quickly. Woman chose to lose interest quickly when they feel they're not getting the attention they want! Or cant decipher if your genuinely busy or just a damn good bullshitter! Well I do anyway I can't speak for everyone but if you give me too many suspect excuses I'll lose interest quick af! Send me to voicemail too many times I'll delete your number quick af but that's just me.... I'm the type if a dude hang up on me he thinking he giving me time to cool off by I'll be done changed my number so fast and have him talking to the operator confused as fuk! Please believe if a man cares about you he's gonna hear you out regardless if he wants to or not! Because he knows if he doesn't he takes a chance at losing u!

At the end of the day trust your instinct follow your guy feeling! If You just don't trust the man. And what's a relationship if you don't have trust? Sit with your thoughts and come to grips with why you don't believe him. If the relationship is that important to you, after you do some soul searching and thinking on your own, sit him down for a talk. Work things through — find out what the problem is, and try to remedy the situation before it gets even more difficult.



It seems like When a guy meets a girl he likes. He starts talking to her, and there's electricity in the air. Attraction. He can tell she likes him. A lot, even.

She tells him all kinds of things about herself, her eyes wide and filled with excitement. It feels as though there's a bubble around them, in which only they exist; the outside world falls away.

For a while, as time passes, the energy and enthusiasm only builds. It builds and builds, until it hits a peak; a crescendo. And then... it begins to fade.

The guy panics mentally; he doesnt know what he's getting hisself into he can tell he's losing this girl, whom he felt so sure was his only minutes before. He works hard, trying to turn things around, to reignite the passion that was there. But alas, his efforts fail, and the fire dies.

He's fallen victim to a painful fact of life and love: attraction has an expiration date.

But what's more painful is, guys almost never realize this is why they failed. Usually they assume it was a value problem, or that they need to get better at maintaining attraction.

If only they knew the truth: they did just fine with attraction. It was, ultimately, that failure to act in a timely enough manner or put forth the appropriate effort that led them to losing the girl.

From the concrete.... Who knew that a flower could grow

"Did you hear about the rose that grew
from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature's law is wrong it
learned to walk with out having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping it's dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else ever cared. " ~ Tupac shakur

Now when you read the passage above and your think about what was being said he's talking bout the underdog making a way out of no way something that some of us are very familiar with while others will never know the real meaning of struggle.

Let's talk a little bit about statistics, we hear all the about different statistics single mothers, children in single family homes, labor statistics, education statistics and one thing that they all have in common is that they are against us. They tell is in so many ways that were never gonna make it we don't have a chance!

It is interesting that poverty usually breeds poverty, just as education breeds education. That means that where a family is situated on the socioeconomic ladder often will prevent or enhance opportunities for their children to advance in education, which results in earning a higher income.
It is often referred to as a "trap" that people are not able to get out of. Hence, the comparison.

Another interesting fact is that there are notable people, some of them celebrities, that had an opportunity to break out of the status quo and gain more education and move to better neighborhoods, even to mansions or castles. I'm thinking of several NBA players, as well as in other sports.
They saw an opportunity, or their parents did, and they took it, enabling them to conquer poverty in their lifetime.

A third facet is the appreciation for life, an appreciation for what one has, an appreciation for spending money wisely, learning how to make it stretch and last until the next check is earned. Young people are so concerned with keeping up with the latest trend an buying the most expensive fashion all while not attempting to save a single dollar for our children's education and thus keeping the cycle going. If you camping outside of footlocker over night to buy Jordans and spending $300 a month on 16" silky straight virgin human Remi but you have no plan for childs future you are failing your child. If and when someone is able to rise above the poverty by hard work, courage, and insight about making good decisions, then they are more appreciative of the good life and want to improve the lives of their loved ones. Usually. Not always. So maybe that isn't a fact, then. But it's a phenomenon that occurs enough to be noticed.

I can remember growing up father would always tell me "Don't go broke trying to look rich" and I never really understood what he meant until these past few years.

What I'm saying in a nutshell is that as parents we are the first step to getting our kids out the cycle. I refuse to believe that if children had the opportunity to go to school and not worry about anything but getting an education that we would have such a high drop out rate. I refuse to believe that young girls aspire to grow up and be strippers & prostitutes young men to become dope dealers an thieves. They resort to things because they don't know anything else and to be real they gotta do what they gotta do. Our human survival instincts at some point kick in and put survival before our moral standards.

We have to break the cycle allow your child to be the flower that grows from the concrete.

Prey on prayer ....the hustle ....

*disclaimer* these are only my thoughts and opinions, my intention is not to discredit anyone's religion or change your views if my statements offend you feel free to stop reading at any time*

Religion : Noun:
1: a strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny; "he lost his faith but not his morality"

2: institution to express belief in a divine power; "he was raised in the Baptist religion"; "a member of his own faith contradicted him"

We all have that question in the back of our head .. What makes us tick... What keeps our heart pumping & our blood flowing. What happens in the after life or If there anything that happens at all.


The purpose of Religion is to not only teach Morals and guidelines to follow through life, but also to teach hope. Through Religion people feel more comfortable with the fact that one day we will all die, because they believe they are going to a better place.
The purpose of religion is that people can have hope and not just think when you die you rot.

I am sure people believe that religion is for achieving enlightenment, progressing to heaven or paradise, or to enable worshippers to seek help in the present life from their God or gods.
Others say that religion originated for the purpose of justifying and maintaining the power and authority of the rulers, the shamans and priests.

Religion is simply the way people organize themselves. To say I'm a baptist/catholic means you organize the way you worship God in that particular fashion. While some people need religion to get them on the right track, some eventually realize how imperfect religion is. Almost 100% of the time religion will eventually hurt you, judge you, or condemn you, why, because religion is man made and run by imperfect human beings. Some of which allow their pride and thirst for control to guide their decisions, most commonly justified by the religious rules and regulations of the religion.


Why some of us believe in a higher power, divine life & fate i can't help but wonder about the fraud that is in religion. I believe people need to have religion. I think religious organizations prey on the weak.

Organized religion is a trillion dollar industry that is a fraud-based, “non-profit”, government supported empire that makes more money than Wall Street while being even more criminal. They make massive profits with “legalized” mob-like: organized crime, grand larceny, money laundering, corruption and ponzi-like schemes. Religion is like a financial black-hole that sucks resources out of economies. It is a cancerous causing parasite on humanity. So this only raises the question is religion used to prey on the weak for monetary value.

religion has been the source and the cause for most of the conflicts in the world; most of the wars and atrocities In the world were in the name of religion. That makes one wonder what is the real purpose of religion. Religion creates so much hatred and fanaticism, causing people to lose all sense of humanity, where instead, the real purpose of religion is to make people more loving, tolerant and kind.

Some may argue the opposite that They empower the weak, which is the exact opposite of "preying" on them. If Christianity makes addicts into ex-addicts, prisoners into decent people, poor/needy people into economically independent people, and educates the uneducated (and there is fine statistical evidence that it does all of these things) then they are doing the exact opposite of "preying" on them, and you need to define your terms. A drug dealer, for example, "preys" on an addict. The lottery "preys" on the poor. And someone spouting that Christians "prey" on people by empowering them, well, it might be said that that is a good example of preying on the uneducated....

Who knows whats real where we came from, where were going or how we're suppose to live in between my only thought is that do you really think by dropping your hard earned money into a building fund do you think that's going to get you to heaven?

I myself do believe in God & I have faith that there is a higher power somewhere out there that keeps us ticking, does that mean I'm going join an organized religion and let them tell me how I should or shouldn't live my life. And pay them to do so. No! People will judge simply because they sin differently than you. However, it is my belief that because someone can stand on soap box an preach out of a book pointing out all my sins how does that make you a saint?! I don't know to be honest I'm torn. Although I question If there's a man in the sky that listens to us all mumbling our problems to him at the same time doesn't mean I don't have faith.

Why some believe they will be greeted by virgins in the afterlife & others belief u will be condemned to burn everlasting. Whos to say who's elaborate story is more credible than the next.

A person that has faith in nothing is very scary because if you fear no consequence of anything of course the evils they are capable of would out way someone who is scared to "go to hell" so to speak. That's like living in a city with no jail imagine the crime that would take place. But then on the same hand u have people that do terrible things and terrorize entire civilizations, species, races that don't believe the same things they do "in the name of religion."

Religion is & will remain to be one of the most powerful things to humans. Now if that's a good or a bad thing hell I don't know.

The Strong, Independent, Lonely ass black woman .....

#BlameDestinysChild
Strong, independent I can do it all on my own I don't need no man ass woman are and will always be the loneliest souls on Earth! We are still holding out for the Perfect Black Man. Barack Obama is taken already! We have to be more open-minded when it comes to dating. I don’t mean that you have to date an ex-convict with three Baby Mamas, a parole officer, a part time dope business that he runs out his grandmas back yard, But sometimes you may earn more money than the man you are dating, or live in a fancier home, or be merely an inch shorter than him (or gasp, maybe even an inch taller). Give the guy a chance! We are human! There Is NO perfect man the trick is simply finding someone who is perfect for you! The beauty of love is finding someone who knows all your flaw, faults, & insecurities & loves you just the same.

We fear that a man will play us and are then too guarded. While some of us hang on to a no-good man for too long, others of us make each man who comes after that no-good man suffer for what the other guy did. We don’t trust him. We won’t let him in. We refuse to give him the chance of hurting us. And then we end up unscathed—but alone. In my previous blogs I've talked about the balance between having standards and being a crazy too guarded damaged woman!

Ladies stop saying "I don't need a man!" although a lot of us could live and be okay without one the fact is that I'm pretty sure thats not what you want! What man do you think is gonna stick around if all you constantly tell him you don't need him. There's an art to being a woman. There's nothing wrong with being submissive. make your man feel like a man! Allow your man to be a man!!! You don't have to constantly talk down and belittle your man to get your point across. All that neck rolling, name calling, and constant attitude is not the way to make a man want to put a ring on it but Beyonce left that part out of the song!

Smile more! Stop walking around with your nose turned up and forehead wrinkled up thinking a man is gonna approach you! They can spot that stank ass attitude a Mile away. We don’t smile enough. You know that annoying (often homeless) man on the street who says, “Smile, honey! You’re too pretty to be looking so unhappy!” He’s trying to tell you something. Men like women who are happy. Happy people smile.

Stop being so angry at ever black man that walks the Earth! . We can’t control what Black men do, who they date, or who they marry. They want to be happy just like we do, and they aren’t going to change their lives to make someone else happy if it means they will be less so. We should stop focusing so much on what Black men are and aren’t doing, and focus on what we can control—ourselves. I’m not saying that Black women are to blame for the decline of Black love but hey it could be one of the many variables. Stop blaming the white woman!!!! Same thing here. They aren’t “taking our men”. They’re living their lives just like everyone else.

Woman if every man you come In contact with tells you the same things guess what? EVERYBODY else is not the problem!! Look within yourself and see if you could possibly be pushing these men away! #ImJustSaying

All I'm saying is ladies it okay to be LADIES! Stop trying to be a damn man! If a man wanted a man well he would .... Nevermind you get my drift! It's okay to let Someone in. Tell your man you want to be held, make him feel wanted, needed, and be submissive that doesn't mean be a damn door mat but Shut the hell up sometimes! The bible defines submission as "yielding to another's desires without resistance" now yielding to desires I interpret that is doing what it takes to make your partner happy. That doesn't mean allow them to treat you like shit. Now some of you may interpret it differently or not believe in a higher power or have different beliefs and that's okay too. These are just my opinions but what the hell do I know I'm still single my damn self. LOL

Too many baby showers not enough weddings ..... Our children the victims...

"Thats just my Baby-mama/daddy" seems to be the trend of the decade! Raising a child alone is not an easy task. I happen to know this from experience: Ive been a single mother for the last 7 years. Most parents who contemplate raising a child on their own have mixed emotions. They want the best for their child, and they want to believe that they are up to the job. But it is difficult not to buy into the persistent notion that children of single parents are somehow doomed, that they will become delinquents, that they will never have happy relationships of their own.

So here's the news: it is possible to raise a happy, healthy, capable child as a single mother or father. You do not need to run out and find a partner or a 'role model’ for your child. But successful single parenthood does take work, planning, and a great deal of thought and energy. If you are parenting alone (or are thinking about doing so), it will help you immensely to learn all you can about child development, appropriate behavior, and parenting skills. And you will need to become skilled at keeping your priorities straight. Most single parents must work, maintain a home, parent a child or two, and still find time to stay healthy themselves. It isn't easy.

I wanna talk a little bit about females using their kids. Im talking about selfish women who use their children to control people & situations. These woman are sad excuses of parents and a complete mockery to the word "mom". Guys constantly get a bad wrap for being dead beats but no one speaks on the games women play with their children. Your child is not a pawn or a paycheck to be used as u feel to control or direct a mans life to live as you feel.

I think it's a cheap way for a broken hurt women to "get back" at men who have some how scarred them. Women need to realize during this process you yo-yo the child's happiness in the balance.What the "supposed mature adults" should realize is that the child(ren) are the only people that are 100% innocent, yet they are the ones getting their hearts 100% shattered!

NEWS FLASH LADIES: having sex won’t make him love you and having a baby won’t make him stay!!!

I'm not saying that child support is not necessary or that men shouldn't be responsible to take care of their children as much as a woman because after all you laid down you made your choice nobody hi jacked your sperm at gunpoint!

Fellas now however unfair some of these tactics are you gotta stop playing the victim!

Of course there are SOME women who may take your child support and purchase a brand new, cotton-candy blue Lacefront, but let’s not act as if there aren’t MANY women who actually NEED that money to feed the family, keep the lights on and make sure there is hot water and air conditioning in the house. If you have an issue paying for your child, you are a DOUCHEBAG because once you bring a child into this world you should EXPECT to contribute most of your money to raising that kid REGARDLESS of if you are in a relationship with the mother or not! If you got the new J's and poppin bottles in the club every weekend but constantly complaining about paying your child support you need to re-evaluate your life in then find the nearest highway overpass and leap head first!

My point is that in the process of this back and forth nonsense the only people who really suffer are our children! First of all there are too many options to prevent pregnancy in the first place, but if you get to a point where you CHOSE to bring a child in this world you damn sure better be ready to be an adult and own up to your responsibility & I'm speaking On BOTH men & woman! Stop talking shit about you're co-parent to your kids! let them develop & make their own decision about their parent! Give these kids a chance to be more than statistics. Stop punishing your kids for your bad choices!

Moms and dads....take a moment,lay back and just watch how this is affecting your child(ren). It should be enough to make you change your behavior, plus you will also feel better about yourself.

The frenemy ... How many of us have them ......

"Hey girl, cute shoes" says the frenemy as she smiles & smirks in your direction while waiting for you to walk away so she can tell anybody willing to listen how horrible you are. Simultaneously she is googling trying to figure out where she can get a pair while picturing herself walking a mile in those same shoes!

The frenemy, far worse than an enemy because we can never identify them until it's too late! Atleast you know when your enemy is in your presence and keep your guard up knowing that they wish only horrible things on you. You confide in the frenemy tell them your secrets, open up your doors, feed them laugh with them, screenshot your funny convo's and let them borrow that fuk em dress you love all so that they can wear it out all while plotting on using it to seduce your man and show him those screenshots of your "funny" convo about your ex!

Frenemies... each and every one of us have them! They can be our best friend - the person we share our inner most secrets with, they can be a "pretend" friend - someone who's only there when we need something - or, they can be a friend of convenience, someone who only speaks to us when they need something. Of course there are also the "make believe" friends - but those are more for kids, and that's another topic altogether!

So, you think you have a real friend - a friend who cares about you, who supports you through thick and thin do you? Let me ask you this - if you had no job and no car (and weren't wallowing in self pity chasing people away of course), do you know for a fact which friends would come to visit you - to just pop around for a chat. When your Mpower box is beeping, your EBT card tapped out and your direct deposit don't hit until midnight are they gonna come to the rescue? Or nah!?

We all have the fake "friend", the needy "friend" the tell all your business "friend", the smile in your face all while competing with every move you make friend, the pocket watcher, the cock blocker, the insecure, unhappy envious fake friend. They come in so many forms. Mixed with so many emotions.

" I heard this about you! Is it true!? That's what I heard about you! Did that happen to you!? Do you have this? Are you this?" This something that fake friends love to do! Trying to break you down mentally and live your life #AtTheSameDamnTime!

The moments in life when you discover who your true friends are, are more than likely going to be the times when something traumatic has happened - like the death of a loved one, when you've hit rock bottom, or when you've taken a risk to do something and reach out to your friends for support. And those are the moments that make us appreciate it the real ones you have.

If you have true friends in your life appreciate them, guard your relationship, and tell them your greatful!

"The best way to get a real friend is to be a real friend!!!" ~ My boyfriend Vanessa

“True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island..to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing.” ~ unknown

"In your mans bed" .....standards! Get you some.....

Let me start of by saying u women who constantly have "in your mans bed" or "with your man" in your statuses and locations are scumbags of the earth! You low standard no moral desperate attention seeking heauxs is why it is so hard for women to get the commitment & respect they deserve!! The most common misconception about cheating is that "She must not be doing something right" the truth is that if a man wants to cheat HES GOING TO CHEAT!!!! Not because he's lacking anything at home but because some men are just weak minded and never satisfied!!! Now let me clarify before I go any further I'm not talking about the women who are taken but yet there man is still single thats a whole different can of worms I don't even want to open just yet. I'm talking about men that have consciously made a decision to be committed and in a relationship by CHOICE and then still cheat! A man could have the most beautiful caring wonderful wife/girlfriend at home and still Cheat! That's just reality! Show me a bad chic and I can show u a man thats tired of fucking her!
Not saying that the men don't have some blame in this but I have come to a point where I blame the women! Women are saying "what the fuk is she talking about?" yeah I know! I blame the women!! I don't care I don't care! As long as there is a woman out there that will accept the lying cheating double crossing ass holes and not force him to make some sort of commitment there will always be a cheater! Goes back to the old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" and it really is just that simple! Now my goal here is not to down play "The other woman" because some women know their role they play their position and in some cases its beneficial to all parties! My point is in a nutshell is that if you are going to be that "other woman" do not then go bragging about taking someone's man or being "In your mans bed" that's not cute! You look desperate and valueless. Me myself personally I respect peoples relationships and I think life would be so much easier if everyone did the same however to each it's own.

All I'm saying is its okay to have standards ladies! In the world of dating, everybody has standards even if they won’t admit it. The only thing is that there is a major disparity between the type of standards that you should have and how much. It seems to be one extreme to another – either too little or too much.

Having standards is not about having a criteria list for you to mark potential mates against and it’s not about the superficial. Standards are there to allow you to ensure that there are basic needs that are met by partners and that you have clearly defined behaviours that are unacceptable if someone wants to be with you. These are the standards that you should not be rolling over to throw out the window the moment that you have an orgasm or are feeling a little insecure.

Basic criteria should mean that a partner should behave in a caring, honest, trustworthy manner. They should have values and be capable of behaving like a decent human being, not just for other people, but for you. Trust is something that is earned, not doled out to every guy that makes an effort to go out on a date or sleep between the sheets. This means that if he can’t behave in the basic ways that enable him to earn your trust, such as calling when he says he will, being emotionally available, being faithful, being unattached to someone else, treating you with respect and behaving with integrity, then he shouldn’t be trusted and he is below standard. Simple things like does he call when he say he will. Does he come when he says and do the things you ask of him?

Now ladies I'm not saying go to the extreme and make some crazy list like chile from VH1.. There has to be a happy medium. Having standards doesn't mean becoming some sort of private investigated & checking his phone, his car mileage,his pockets, his bank receipts, adding every chi that comments on his FB and putting listening devices in his car! This is an extreme!

When you have extensive experience of your boundaries being crossed and feeling like people have ‘gotten away with it’, when you finally recognise the importance of boundaries, it’s not unusual to become sidetracked with patrolling your ‘perimeter’ and getting any and all trespassers.

It’s like taking a precautionary measure of tackling all issues big and small – you’re not letting anything go which means ruminating and/or taking them to task.

When you haven’t resolved your feelings around these past experiences and behaviours, it can leave you feeling reserved, on guard, and in a defensive position ready to attack. The resulting mental and physical drama can be exhausting. Not to mention who has time to do all this things! Any women with half a life a career possibly children, who has time to devote every waking minute to find out if your man is cheating.

However if you pay attention to the signs sooner or later you will know. A person will always eventually tell you exactly who they are and what they're about now it's up to you if you chose to listen or continually make excuses while wishing on a star hoping that one day Mr wrong will just wake up an miraculously be Mr Right. Not gonna happen.

When you’re policing people and ready to strike, you’re mentally taking off your earrings and rolling up your sleeves ready for battle. That is definitely not gonna end in the happily ever after your looking or either.

I think its about your self awareness. How you yourself value yourself! Self esteem is everything!!! You have to be secure in yourself & know your worth!

When you have low self-esteem, when you follow the path of your choices and actions and your thinking and beliefs behind it and get right down to the starting point, it likely says ‘I don’t believe I’m good enough’.

In feeling this way, you just can’t believe that you’re a person of value, that you’re worthy of a better relationship, that you deserve to have your boundaries respected or to be able to vocalise your concerns or opinions. You’ll be cautious of people that don’t have similar outlooks and if you get involved with them you may think they’re ‘too nice’ or even privately wonder why the hell they’re making a ‘bad’ investment in you.

You’ll find any and all reasons to take a parachute and jump or sabotage when things are going well. You won’t be convinced that a valuable person and a valuable relationship would want to have you in it. You’ll take refuge in a limited relationship and then focus on their problems.

With that being said I'm gonna just say ladies it's okay to have standards , it's okay to demand respect, and it's okay to value yourself!

Stop looking for acceptance and validity within a man! Stop trying to force yourself on people that clearly don't want you or value your relationship. Set stand standards & stick to them! If someone is not willing to or can't meet the simple standards you set in place, have enough confidence to WALK AWAY!!

Find yourself first become confident with who you are as a woman and then everything else will fall into place.

Get Better Not Bitter! Real men VS the womanizer.. A struggle for happines

So I was on Twitter last night, like I always am and I ran across last night's TT: #agoodboyfriend. It was the same ol, same ol. Men and Women talking noise on both ends. First off, the whole good spouse debate is pointless. Its pretty much subjective. What I consider a good partner, might not be what you consider a good one. I know girls who have men that cheat consistently but hey as long as he come home, he's the best boyfriend in the world. And that works for them. You got the overly sensitive crying boyfriend....that may work for you, but may not work for me. Actually, it won't. I say it would, but it won't. Don't do that. I like PDA, some girls don't. Like, I said its subjective.
But the thing that got me the most was the amount of girls who were like a good boyfriend or man doesn't exist. Thats what I like to call "Bitter Woman Syndrome" from what I know is not the most attractive trait to have but what made me really sit back and wonder how did she get tht way? What makes these women so "damaged"?
Me myself going through my own Individual issues had to sit back and really think about because truth be told all men are NOT the same, and yes there are good men out there.

Problem is within ourselves &our personal choices how many times have we women gave the "nice guy" the cold shoulder or for the guy with the flashy car instead of the guy with a steady job, strong family values and a monthly bus pass. There are just so many different variables I don't even know where to begin.

But let me stop there and talk about the men that do make women feel this way. In the woman's defense I will say that these bitter woman typically was at one point the good girl the loyal girl the girl that every man claims they want. They are over turned by heart break and disappointment and turned to bitter angry nagging insecure unstable creatures. This is from simply dealing with guys or boys if you will claiming to be "REAL MEN"

Too often the depiction of a real man is one who bullies others, is opinionated, harsh and tough.A real man doesn’t use his fists or strength to define himself as such. a real man treats women with respect. A real man doesn’t abuse a woman physically or mentally. Make your own fortune. A real man does not accept handouts or charity. He works hard to support himself and his family.. Stay true to your word. A real man knows that keeping a promise is stronger than physical strength. Keep your word in all matters, business and personal. You will gain the respect a real man warrants. They support their family both financially and emotionally the man is suppose to be the head of the household and he should act as such.
We often hear the term “imma a real nigga” and in most cases u are just that to the true definition meaning, ignorant!! Lack of education and ignorance guide our black men to be everything else but what real men should really be! They become hustlers and rappers instead of husbands and fathers. Often these are traits passed down from generation after generation of broken unstable & dysfunctional homes. A real man knows the difference between what’s important and what isn’t. A real man doesn’t waste time on stupidities that don’t bring him any profit. Sure, there are things you can do as a hobby — I like to rap— but it must have a purpose. If its not paying the bills or supporting your family then it is a HOBBY!!! These real niggas often men with "mommy" or abandonment issues become Womanizers,lust addicts, and casa novas. Now that doesn't necessarily mean their rude disrespectful dogs. Womanizing comes in all forms but the most dangerous ones aren't those kind any lady with half a brain can spot them a mile away.

The dangerous ones are the Charming, attentive, interested, witty, flirtatious -- these are all traits of a womanizer. A womanizer knows exactly how to make a woman feel special, different from the rest, and like his one and only. The only difference between a womanizer and a good man is a womanizer acts in this manner to get in your pants, not your heart. Being able to differentiate a good man from a womanizer is not as easy as we'd like it to , most commonly come in disguise as "Mr Right"
He's overly complimentary. "You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." "You're gorgeous, and I don't throw that term around lightly." "I've never been able to open up with a woman the way I have with you." If he says all of this within the first 15 minutes of the date, then he's probably wants one thing and he is a WOMANIZER. Where there is smoke, there is fire, if he has a reputation of being a player or smooth Stevie J type of dude he probably didn't get that way from being a genuine guy and chances are you probably can't change him. And why would you waste your time trying? Guys like this are happy as long as they are getting what they want and have no intention of making you anymore that what you are currently.

He says all the right things in all the right ways , He’s Mr. Future. Unless you’re a woman who is committed to being single, chances are you’re at least open to the idea of meeting someone to eventually settle down with. Womanizers know that, which is why they become Mr. Future. “We can do this, and we can do that, and we can go here and there.” Everything is we, we, we. Womanizers know how to give us what we want, but feel no guilt when they take it away.
He doesn’t have platonic female friends. A womanizer doesn’t need platonic girl friends because he’s interested in all of them. You can’t be platonic if there is sexual chemistry, right? He texts other girls, regularly. If he’s hanging out with you and is constantly on his phone texting other girls, chances are he’s not just interested in you. He’s king of nicknames. Sweetie, babe, baby, honey, darling, these easy pet names are the perfect way to make a girl feel special without mixing up real names. He typically keeps his cell phone locked. Men like to be shady in general. They rarely like anyone in their business, but if he’s got his phone on lock down and gets mad when you even glance in its direction, there is a reason for his secrecy.
They become enraged when their questioned or "caught" so to say!

Ok let me stop there and move on because I'm rambling and getting insight from personal experience that is completely of track of wht I'm trying say!

The point I'm trying to make Is that life is about choices and decisions. And people can only do what you allow. So with that being said don't let these men make you bitter ladies because in the end you only lose yourself and your own happiness & joy and they go on with there lives living and still subliminally controlling you through your own anger. Let it go! Remember at one point that is what you wanted and what made you feel happy to some extent and leave with that memory alone.

If I told you about some of the guys I've dated, you'd ask me why I wasn't a lesbian yet. Or why my ass is so skippy and gung ho about finding a good man one day. It takes a lot of energy to hate an entire species. Trust me, I know. I'm always angry. It takes a lot of work. I feel like when you walk around when that type of negative mentality don't be surprised at what you get. Negative people attract negative people, negative friendships, negative relationships. I understand after you get your heart broken the first time, or first few times the first thing we think to do is put our guard up. I'm all for it. You've got to be more cautious to protect yourself and really learn not to fall in love in a week. But by guard, I don't mean a titanium wall, protected by an electric fence with your bitter ass homegirls as your front yard bulldogs. I see that a lot too. We get so worried about getting hurt again we don't let anything fly. And thats damn near pointless too.

At some point you just gotta live!

We all know letting go is one of a relationship is one the hardest things to do no matter the cause. Recovering from love and heartbreak is definitely no easy task. We all wanna believe that our relationships will last forever but that's just not realistic in very relationship. Yes and I know you can't just turn your feelings off the way you turn off a light switch but u have to at some point realize that if what you have is hurtful then it is not love.

Allow yourself time to heal before jumping I to the next disfunctional relationship and dumping all your emotional bitter baggage on his shoulders from someone else. That then turning him into a womanizer and the vicious cycle continues! Allow yourself time to heal and be whole so you can live & he happy again.

But most importantly let go of the past it's over! It's gone! Can't change it so just learn from your mistakes and move forward.